"Hi, I'm Steve's wife, Whitney."
"My husband is in the 315th, what about yours?""What shift is he on?"
"Does he like his job?"
Transferring from the civilian world to the military, these comments seemed odd to me the first few times I heard them. I would wonder, "why does this matter? Do you want to get to know me or my husband?" Over time, I stopped asking myself these questions, and the "get to know my husband" icebreakers became commonplace.
Today I stopped, sat down, and asked myself why our (spouses) first conversation needs to be about our husbands and not directed at finding more about each other. Has our identity been pushed so far to the peripheral that we are only worth knowing if our husbands fit a criteria? Are people always going to be interested in what my husband does before they decide if they want to get to know me better? Am I going to be subject to this social vetting process for the next 20 years? I look forward to the days that someone will be my friend just because they like me and not because our husbands are the same rank or in the same unit.
I don't think this is always due to one's intent to push me out of their clique or climb a social ladder - spouses are desperately searching to find common ground with other spouses in order to establish relationships with someone. However, this frequent shift of attention and curiosity to our husbands, robs us of being recognized as individuals: as a person who has her own personality, feelings and aspirations.
Not only do these questions take the focus away from the military spouse, they also tend to put people in a box and allow us to subconsciously label people by their answers - "enlisted, officer, young, old, pilot, mechanic, day shift, night shift" etc. By doing so, we are limiting our network of friends. We are allowing our husbands' jobs to define who we let in and who we exclude from our lives.
The next time you meet another military spouse, I challenge you to start by getting to know her first. Try starting the conversation with, "where are you from? how long have you been here? what do you do?" By shifting this focus, we can be known as individuals apart from our husbands and we allow ourselves the opportunity to meet some amazingly unique and diverse women.
xoxo,
Whit
I find that this normally probably happens to those who maybe are new to the military world or those who haven't yet found out what their purpose in life is. I personally don't define myself by being a military wife. I have my own goals and a vision for my life. I think when a military spouse doesn't have their own dreams or goals then it is easy for them to focus on how to connect by talking about their husbands. Whenever we move to a new place I immediately began to find out what it is that I feel that I'm supposed to do while we are stationed there. I believe if I focus on that then I am being who I am and not just a military wife. So what ends of happening is that I become fulfilled and this carries over into my roles as a wife, mother and friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your response Michelle. I think you provided some very interesting insight. I'm happy to hear that you are able to find fulfillment at each new station. Best of luck to you - Whit
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