Jennifer and her husband with their two adorable little girls.
"We got married, bought a house, got a dog, and had a baby all in the same year."
W: Tell us a little bit about yourself...
J: Well, I’m 28, born and raised in Missouri and mother of two toddlers (Elliette, 2 and Reese, 1). I met my husband, Rob, in college. He moved with me to Lincoln, Nebraska while I completed my master’s degree. Then, we moved back to Missouri to start our careers. We got married, bought a house, got a dog, and had a baby all in the same year.
I loved my job as the director of marketing for a college, but wanted to start a business and spend more time at home with my baby. Rob was also struggling to find his purpose. He had always talked about joining the Air Force (my brother and several uncles are veterans) and once we started a family, the job security and health benefits seemed too good to pass up. We have been at Wright-Patterson AFB in Dayton, Ohio for about 7 months now and I am working full-time as the assistant director of communications for a nearby college.
"I wonder how many other spouses sacrifice their hopes and dreams to conform to military life?"
W: Have you ever felt that it was difficult to keep your sense of self as a military spouse?
J: The short answer is yes. I found it difficult to even understand the military. And, when you don’t understand something, it’s hard to embrace your role in the whole thing. When I reconnected with Rob after basic training, he had experienced so much without me, and changed so much as a result of it. The dress, the lingo, the traditions—all were foreign to me. I found it somewhat difficult to be the good military wife I was supposed to be because I simply didn’t get it. As time goes on, I learn more about the Air Force and am starting to feel somewhat at ease in this military lifestyle.
While I love being a military spouse, I don’t want that to be the only thing that defines me. When I wasn’t working, I found it difficult to keep my sense of self and purpose. Perhaps it’s an insecurity issue, but I think I enjoy working outside of the home because I get validation that I’m important and valuable…that my contributions count. I also like earning a paycheck and not feeling like I need to ask for permission to buy something with “his” money.
In some strange way, I think the military perpetuates these identity issues. Any time we schedule a medical appointment, we are asked for our sponsor’s ID number. Not our name, not our social security number—our sponsor’s information. It’s as if the military itself is sending us a message that it is our husbands, not us, that matter.
Now that I’m working and loving my job, we’ve started talking about what that means for us as a family. If he decides to stay in the military for awhile, that means I will have to leave my job in less than four years. I may not be ready then. He is coming to terms with that possibility. I think this is where spouses who work outside the home face real challenges. I feel like, to be a good military wife, I should be supportive of my husband’s career. But when it conflicts with my own career—and an important part of my identity—it makes it difficult. There are times I think about trying to get a government job or even joining the Air Force myself just to make it easier on us. I wonder how many other spouses sacrifice their hopes and dreams to conform to military life?
"But what has helped me cope with that was to recognize that this is HIS career, not mine. Yes, we made this decision together, but that doesn't mean I have to give up everything I want out of life."
W: If it was difficult for you, what did you do to overcome this?
J: Well, I don’t know that I’ll ever really figure out how to be an awesome military spouse while doing all the other things I want to do in life. But what has helped me cope with that was to recognize that this is HIS career, not mine. Yes, we made this decision together but that doesn’t mean I have to give up everything I want out of life. With a little creativity, a career can still be had. I started a graphic design business while Rob was in tech school and it wasn’t feasible for me to work full time. The portfolio I built helped me land a job at our new duty station.
I’m lucky to have found a career that gives me satisfaction. But it’s a double-edged sword. As women, we seem to always want what we don’t have. When I was a full-time stay-at-home mom, I couldn’t wait to go back to work. Now, I love my job, but miss my babies while I’m working. It’s also difficult to connect with other spouses when working full time since many events happen during business hours. I was fortunate to be stationed at a base that has an amazingly supportive spouses’ club (shout out to Goodfellow Combined Spouses’ Club!). They planned both day and evening events and made a real effort to connect women on a meaningful level. I would encourage other spouses to seek out these opportunities for connection and friendship. And, if such a club doesn’t exist at your base, start one!
"Instead of talking about what our husband's do, we should talk about ourselves, our hopes and dreams, our fears, our experiences...those are topics that build friendships."
W: What advice would you give to other military spouses who may be struggling with this same issue?
J: I’m always reluctant to give advice since I rarely have things figured out for myself. That said, I think military spouses should recognize that everything is not an either/or proposition…it doesn’t always have to be one thing or the other. I believe you can have it all, to a degree. Here’s an example--I used to think that I had to decide to either have a career or be a stay at home mom. After some soul searching, I realized that for me, it wasn’t about staying at home, but being attentive and involved in my kids’ lives. Now, I have my career that helps me maintain a strong sense of self and purpose. I’m in the office from 9 to 5, but when I’m home, I’m present…truly present in their lives. On the weekends, we go out and do things…have mini-adventures. We focus on the quality of our time together rather than the number of hours.
I also recommend joining a spouses’ club—but get to know the women as women, not spouses. Instead of talking about what our husband’s do, we should talk about ourselves, our hopes and dreams, our fears, our experiences…those are the topics that build friendships.
- THE END -
A BIG thank you to Jennifer for providing real and honest answers to these questions!
....and, if any of you need graphic design work done, this is the lady to talk to! She did my photography logo/business cards and I am in LOVE with them. She can be reached either through email, jrjonas@gmail.com or Facebook (Jennifer Jonas Jolls).
Hope you all enjoy the weekend!
xoxo,
Whit
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The U.S. Department of Defense just yesterday released an article about the growth in this Spouse Employment program. Some 400,000 jobs have been posted with the partnership since it was created last June and 22,000 military spouses have been hired. Another 34 companies were added to the existing 94 program partners, which include Goodwill Industries, Safeway, Volt Workforce Solutions and others ranging from data processing to real estate to banks.
